Friday, 12 August 2011

What about the prospect of Jail? What about the future?

Bring it on, lets really waste some taxpayer cash!

I have got into reading books again, up to 5hrs a day. I hate TV and foot ball, I need some form of escape from boredom within a cell.

Taught myself to write, and poetry, this gives me something to flex my brain with. I can write poems about manic depression, prison, cannabis and my experiences with each. A form of therapy and mental escape, maybe I'll publish a book on my release.

I have been teaching myself Qi-Gong, a form of Chinese exercise and meditation.

Memorised lots of new Yoga moves.

Watched endless Youtube videos about workouts you can do with no weights or equipment and how to do cardiovascular exercise in small spaces.

After hitting “rock bottom” back in April/May I have been forcing myself back onto my bicycle. Riding 150 - 300miles per week, so to get a fit as I can before my health is degraded by incarceration.

Winton Churchill said something along the lines of: A man needs at least 3 hobbies if he is to avoid the over-use of certain areas of his brain.

I don't actually fear the repercussions of my conviction for growing and possessing cannabis, I fear Bi-Polar, Bi-Polar will still be with me when this whole business blows over. Cannabis helps with my depression, it keeps me outside the destructive band I have absolute confidence in it. No one can understand how well Cannabis works against my depression and mood swings unless I tell them and they have the capacity to listen.

The length of this story is probably far too long; you the reader must understand that my situation cannot be explained in a sound bite, phrase or brief media report. I don't really care for the uninformed blanket opinions shown by people who believe they know best for everyone and yet have no experience of my individual situation.

You could say I am a broken man in the eyes of society. Due to my mental illness I don’t have the same life priorities as those shared by my peers, I see the world differently and it’s alien to me. I don't really have anything of worth to show off my external wealth. To show within a materialistic and shallow culture such as our own, that I have made it. I am not big into possessions, have no money, my parents will just support me after I am released. Nothing will change.

I perceive no great changes for me as a result of the situation I am in. I'll just be a manic depressive with a period of imprisonment behind me, a bit older, bit less motivated, bit more rundown and I'll still want to use cannabis as it helps with my manic depression.

I fear only depression, I'll do anything to limit its effects including breaking the law. I fear it so much that I've dedicated every waking hour to preparation for prison to avoid depression, hoping to enter prison in a strong enough mental and physical state to simply hold back the worst of it.

My aim is to survive in an environment away from the things I need to be well. Taken from my private world and abused at the hands of those who believe they know better than I do about my own situation. Aiming to hop on my release there is some string of sanity remaining within my mind, onto which to attach some kind of life to. A few months, let alone years of depression damage your thinking processes, it imprints negative thinking patterns and it can take years to recover from the slightest knock or setback, you all too easily revert back to these negative mental processes.

I use all kinds of things to keep myself from the triggers of depression; the kinds of things I can't access at all or at the right time / level of requirement in jail.

My only aim for the future is to remain out of that mindset, at any cost, even to my so called "liberty".

The previous 24months before my arrest I had been in a remission / recovery and was looking forward to the rest of my life. I was making long term plans. Once this is over I'll go back to doing exactly what I was before it. Only impact is to the taxpayer? I couldn't fuck what these idoits think they will teach me, they will teach an empricist such as me sweet fanny adams. I see the world as it is, infinate, your laws are a gnat on the windscreen of endless perception I see beyond your blinkered little world.

If you have got this far please accept my genuine appreciation and gratitude for taking the time to read my story.

I’d love to hear from you.

No comments:

Post a Comment