Friday, 12 August 2011

What’s happened since my hospitalisation and arrest?

In a funny way the experience of being sectioned in Hospital was enlightening and interesting. A Real-Life experience. I was still hypo-manic throughout the 9 days I spent there. It was a nice break from the months and months of endless obsessive grafting on my Cannabis breeding project, a change of scenery.

I was still manic when the police interviewed me, which is not good procedure but they haven’t listened to my complaints and show no interest in the fact they exploited my vulnerable mental state. I talked in a fast, pressured and carefree way for over an hour. I left the officers visibly drained. When hypo-manic you wear people out.

It has been a long-time since then. I have been in living hell without my special medication, enduring perception and life changing levels of mood variation due the stress of the situation I am in, although mostly due to fact I just wish to get better, privately.

It all started to get ugly from the moment the manic episode ended around the 3rd week of February 2011. I slipped into rapid cycling mood swings, ultra-ultra rapid or ultradian cycles. These swings come thick and fast, intense euphoria to suicidal depression with just minutes between the cycles some days. These lasted for around 4 weeks at maximum magnitude and have persisted in fits and starts for 8 months.

These are the most feared and challenging of all Bi-polar states, this is living hell. You have the symptoms of every mood type Bi-Polar can offer at virtually the same time. This is when most Bi-polar sufferers would have the motivation, energy, spontaneity and desire to commit suicide. The cycle is always similar, what goes up into mania must come down. The stabilisation period between two ends of the spectrum can be a wild ride. It's been a rough time, the worst of my life, a struggle hour to hour.

I’ve had to deal with having my coping mechanisms removed and endure the massive depressive crash that comes after such an intense mania, combined with constant worrying about the effect a prison term will have on my remaining sanity. The last months have really been a bad time, the worst ever, scary, mostly due to really crushing depression and suicide ideation that comes after you blow your life apart. Worse still has been waiting for others to decide on your fate before you can think about moving on.

It’s 10 times worse this time as I can't put things back together again. I have to wait as other people, with no concept of my problem or the severity of it, are in control of my destiny. Stresses of negative situations I have no control over have been big triggers for depression in my life. It's been murder waiting for news from the Crown Prosecution Service, 7months of murder.

For a crime with no real victim I've really suffered. If it wasn’t for the fact my death would probably give my mother a mental breakdown, I’d have ended my life months ago. I am staying alive only to keep my mother from having her soul torn out. I spent 60 days in bed trying to blot out my problems, eight months of crippling mood swings, many days spent researching suicide methods on the internet and pondering the worth of my existence, a two month relapse into tobacco use as self medication and two weeks pacing psychotically around the house 14hrs a day. Long walks wandering aimlessly thinking about getting dead drunk and passing out with my head over the rail-way line. I am left wondering about what is the point in fighting?

I am a broken Manic Depressive but I have the tools to get well, it’s frustrating having to wait to get the process started, to rebuild myself once again. What happens with the criminal trial it's just not important to me. Criminal record doesn't matter. I'm living in another world to 99% of people. I've far bigger problems that making a court appearance or prison sentence appear like grains of sand in a deserted Bi-Polar landscape.

I am now in a holding state, lockdown. I am writing this thesis about my life and Cannabis, riding my bicycle for 150-300 miles a week and taking lots of hot baths. I have to survive this misery and it could be 2 years before I can heal and get back to the quiet life.

Quiet life is what I need, time at home with my loved ones, with my poor long suffering mother. She's wonderful. I am awaiting the total finality of my punishment, so I can go back to where I was before this intrusion.

I need to be left alone. I’m ill. Reverting back to my own secret, private world of dealing with Manic Depression my own way is the only way I’ll ever deal with it. I had it all worked out before the Manic episode. I will never accept any outside assistance for Bi-Polar, there is none that I want to take, only a range of evil prescription medication. I will never have my opinions changed or altered. I don't want the attention of the system of social and criminal justice, I just have to endure it and the illness it brings me before I can get better. Just waiting, waiting to revert back to life on my own terms as an individual, with individual needs.

It's just one massive waste of time, money and energy for all involved.

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